What's a (cat)Girl to do? Redux

Originally posted on Tales of the Parodyverse by Manga Shoggoth.

Al.B. Harper created the Bonsai Kittens. Blame him.

Parodyverse characters copyright (c) 2006 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works.

Every so often, I am invited to a school to present a lecture to the pupils. The lecture is usually supposed to be about science as a career (or something like that), and is supposed to inspire the children to take interest in the sciences. A lecture that is always suffixed with the phrase "we just have time for a few questions...". Never questions on sensible subjects I understand, like the quasi-temporal consequences of heterodyning a modulated pulse on a non-analogue chronometric device during a meridian-based reverse temporal shift, but more on unimportant and uninteresting subjects like pay scales, career development and (lately) equality in the workplace.

My main memory of such events is of hundreds of eyes, staring expectantly at you.

Horrible as such an experience is, it pales into insignificance to the sight before me now. Hundreds of eyes on some few dozen pupils is creepy enough. A single creature with hundreds of eyes phasing in and out of existence is even worse.

I once failed to avoid seeing part of a musical on television. In it, a singer was ranting about the chaos, disorder and madness brought on by letting a woman into your life. Even at the time, I felt this was rather unfair. None the women I know - Helen, Hallie, Sarah, Lisa, Amy, Yuki, Muff(ahem)Miss Framlicker, Dancer and Kinki the Conqueress - could really be described as such. If you want to really descend into the depths of disorder, chaos and madness, try dealing with a Shoggoth.

You see, the problem is that this particular Shoggoth - or part of the Shoggoth (I am still not clear on that part) - was contaminated by Mundane matter whist trying to shield the Lair Legion from one of their brushes with certain death(tm). Unable to purge the matter from itself, it asked the Legion for help. As the resident expert in Weird Science, the problem was dropped on my plate.

There is Weird Science, and then there is Weird Science.

The creature stands before me. I brace myself for the inevitable query, followed by the - unspoken, but somehow none the less tangible - disappointment the Shoggoth must feel at having to listen to the excuses of a representative of an ephemeral twist of organic matter whose knowledge of reality is far, far below its own.

I find, brief human, that I am forced to reassess my opinion of your existence.

To say I am shocked is something of an understatement. The Shoggoth generally addresses me as if I am some sort of ignorant child, which I suppose from its perspective, I am. I ask what it is talking about.

After all the failed attempts at cleansing my protoplasm I thought you an ignorant creature incapable of appreciating the higher arts and sciences. And now... now you have created a thing of wonder! Three things of wonder!

For a moment, I am confused. Then, all becomes horribly clear, as three figures file into my Lab. Minx, Ginger and Annastasia/Princess. The Bonsai Kittens. Of course the Shoggoth would be interested.

There is a momentary hush, then - with a terrible cry of San Kawaii Nekomusume! three ... bits ... of the Shoggoth detach and fly across the lab towards the Kittens.

I stand paralysed. No time to whip up any from of dimensional shield (the Shoggoth would bypass it, but it might give them a chance to escape), no time even to shout a warning before...

I hear three sounds, that might possibly be written "thunk", "thwack-splat" and "thwock-squelch-splat".

I look round. Ginger is holding a large wooden mallet nearly as big as she is, its head embedded in one lump of Shoggoth. Minx is patting her right fist, and looking at a lump of Shoggoth that has been layered across the ceiling. Princess is holding a large sheet of paper that has been folded back on itself multiple times, and is looking at a mark on the far wall, which appears to have a third lump of Shoggoth underneath.

I look at the kittens, surprise evident on my face.

"A dark-skinned woman showed us the secret techniques to deal with such a creature, Sensei." Minx explained.

"Although she did suggest that I wear a tiger-skinned bikini, for some reason." added Ginger.

"And I was supposed to shout 'Giga Fan', but I forgot." said Princess.

You see? burbled the Shoggoth quietly. Perfect!

Footnotes:

This is, of course, in response to Al.B Harper's fine creations, the Bonzai Kittens (here, here and pictured here.

The astute reader will, of course, realise that the "quasi-temporal consequences of heterodyning a modulated pulse on a non-analogue chronometric device during a meridian-based reversed temporal shift" refers to the effect of putting the clocks back (which happened in the UK last weekend).